Realities of Life

Today I went for a meeting with my counselor, who happens to be one of my top 5 favorite people in life. I love Jan to death. She's really gotten me through the past 4 years by encouraging me and helping me see things about myself that I probably wouldn't have figured out on my own. She's believed in me when I thought I was a total disaster, and helped me understand why I do the things I do, and that it's normal. I don't know how many times I sat in her office, just going on and on and on about all of the things that were on my mind. Looking back, I've unloaded all kinds of things on her- and have always felt better afterwards. She always made me see the positive side of things when I thought there wasn't one. She has been my rock in South Carolina.

Today I saw a different side of her. She just found out she has breast cancer. For the first time, I stepped back and realized that all the petty crap I came in and bitched about all of these years was nothing compared to that. I felt guilty. How could I be so worried about all of these little things that weren't 'perfect' in my life, and here is someone I care dearly about who is going through a life-threatening illness? Things snapped into perspective for me. I can't even imagine all of the feelings she must have right now. I tried to stay strong for her, as she'd been for me all this time, but I just lost it. I think it was when we hugged. She is scared. Seeing someone that strong have fear in their eyes is so difficult. I wish I could reciprocate all that she has been for me, so she could have someone to encourage her and tell her everything is going to be okay. I really think she will make it through this, and I have no doubt that she's a tough woman. She's been through a lot in her life. I just really wish I could give her something back. I took so much from her and learned so many valuable lessons that I'll carry with me in life, and I really wish I could figure out a way to be a rock for her.

Life is such a fragile thing. It makes me wonder sometimes if it would just be easier not to get close to anyone, because losing someone is so hard. But I think life wouldn't be worth living if we didn't feel all of these emotions... how do you know you really lived if you don't feel something? How can you go through life detached from people, and not feel a closeness or bond? It wouldn't be worth it to me if we just existed without feeling. The times in life that really stick out to me are when I have told someone what they mean to me. I think I actually verbalized that to Jan today, but I don't do it often enough. I got a card for her after our meeting, and sat in Starbucks writing and letting all of my feelings out. And yes, I'm sure people there noticed me sitting at the table with tears streaming down my face, but that's real life. Raw emotion is something that I really treasure sometimes, and writing has been my outlet... which makes me glad to have this blog because I can get the emotions out there before they bottle up inside me and explode. It's not worth holding it all in. And why not tell someone how you feel now? They may not be there tomorrow. I've lost so many chances to do that in life, and I don't want to regret it if I can do something about it now. I'm sending the card to Jan tomorrow.

I'm only 26 years old. Sure, I've gone through some tough times already, but when I really think about it, I've got a lot of life left to live. I believe everything happens for a reason, and because of that I am hopeful for my future, and for Jan's. I'm really glad that because of people like her in my life (and my parents, of course), I have been able to learn how to look at life in a realistic way. I know that it will get me through the tough times that are yet to come.

-Ashley